“I Am Sonic the Hedgehog, and This Is Why I’m Blue,” Humor Story, Zoé Mahfouz.
Yes, the rumors are true. The rings I’ve been chasing and collecting over the years will be my undoing. If anything, Doctor Eggman should have told me about this! He should have told me that the rings were made out of colloidal silver, that it had nothing to do with boosting my immune system, that it was all in my head, blurred by whimsical visions of Amy Rose.
Hold on. No, I take that back. My therapist said I should take responsibility for my own mistakes, and that’s exactly what I need to do.
But the rings were like a drug, and they had a use for everything! I melted them down and used them as eyedrops. I turned them into silver sulfadiazine cream to prevent infections in wounds and burns, and God knows I had plenty of those while fighting the big boss! I even transformed the rings into silver-coated acupuncture needles. No need to sterilize them either, since silver’s antibacterial action is enhanced by the presence of an electric field. And guess what my superpower is?
But that wasn’t enough. I needed more. I always needed more.
I started drinking water infused with silver. Studies in rats show that consuming large amounts of silver can be life-threatening, but I’m not a rat, I’m a hedgehog! I can live up to ten years in captivity! In fact, I thought I could even beat the record for the oldest wild hedgehog, who lived for sixteen years!
So I drank the colloidal silver. Then I rubbed it on my teeth, since it’s known to reduce oral plaque formation. My Hollywood superstar status pressures me to look my best at all times, after all. Some people even told me that colloidal silver could help with fungal infections, which could be a real asset for my next mushroom pasta meal.
The legend says I was originally a brown hedgehog, but I turned blue “after running faster than the speed of sound.”
As if.
You and I both know it all started on Christmas Island when Dr. Kintobor tricked me, made me physically dependent on this ring-based health system. He ensured that my brain would always be too busy hanging upside down while running indefinitely through springs, slopes, bottomless pits and vertical loops just to get more silver.
I’m Sonic the Hedgehog, and I have argyria.
Zoé Mahfouz is a French, award-winning bilingual actress, screenwriter, and writer whose work spans fiction, nonfiction, and poetry. Her writing has appeared in more than 70 literary magazines and anthologies worldwide, including Cleaver Magazine, OPEN: Journal of Arts & Letters, Ginyu Magazine, and The Asahi Shimbun. Her fiction is often playful and tongue-in-cheek, while her poetry and prose range from myth-inflected and formally experimental to darker, introspective explorations of psychiatric care, neurodivergence, and fractured identity. Her previous book Borges Must Be Rolling in His Grave was published by Dancing Girl Press. Her new book, ADHD in D Minor, is was publish with North Meridian Press.