“We Are That Elitist Leftist Literary Magazine the Pushcart Prize Committee Adores, and Therefore So Do You,” Humor Story, Zoé Mahfouz.
ATTN: Guidelines to submit to our dirunālis (that is Latin for “literary review” in case you did not know):
Yes, the submission fee is $30.00 for one first-rate, patent story that transcends the boundaries between fiction and nonfiction, inside which readers can get deliriously, entertainingly, profoudndly lost. And found. We take PayPal, checks, and Western Union wire transfers. Please send a screenshot of the confirmation of payment upon submitting.
Yes, we only accept postal submissions. Please include the necessary self-addressed stamped envelope. We do not accept international reply coupons. But we are not racist. See the cover of our latest issue featured an African woman dancing in front of a Chinese K-mart shop. Or was it Korean? I don’t even know at this point.
Yes, one of our editors is named Adolf, but that does not mean anything. It used to be a very popular name in 1933, 1934, and 1937. And editors’ names matter too.
Yes, we invented a “literary achievement” prize for the magazine, but we only give it to Pulitzer Prize winners. We then organize a private ceremony in New York for this award and charge people $2,500.00 to attend (non-tax-deductible portion: $450.00) or $25,000.00 for a Table Sponsorship (non-tax-deductible portion: $4,500.00).
No, you cannot access excerpts of previously published stories here. You will have to buy a yearly subscription if you want to see that.
You should guess, by the way we display random, confusing collages from our unexpected guest designers and call it “art,” that most of the fiction, poetry, and nonfiction we publish are about camouflaging failures, abuse, resilience, and abandonment into pretty, sophisticated words the common man cannot comprehend. They are usually scars originating in childhood or in distant, unverifiable warzones, told in slow motion and plagued by shells, casings emptied and scattered, strewn with mud and a quivering flame. Also, there is always a flashlight, an upstairs window, and a landfill.
Yes, we love to advertise that we give a voice to the voiceless, but only the voiceless who are socially acceptable according to our criteria of what “socially acceptable” is.
Yes, we have a time-lapse video of a potato growing day-by-day as a banner for our website. That is how you know we are cultured.
Yes, you should have at least an MA in Creative Writing with a minor in either Queer Studies, Diversity and Inclusion Studies, or Feminist and Gender studies to be published. We would love to hear about you contributed to society’s flourishment with fact like, “84% of furries identify as male, 13% female, and 2.5% as transgender,” or how “the 72-gender list resonates with your identity, and/or how your zodiac sign makes you a visionary.”
We hate capitalism. We are even publishing book reviews about how much we hate capitalism. Please feel free to support us by buying one of our T-shirts, mugs, or tote bags from the online gift shop. You can even get a 0% discount using the code “GULLIBLE2025.”
And finally, no, we do not actually read your submissions. We welcome donors and friends not to forget to tip the price of a coffee for one of the editors, or to send a surprise tip to one of your fellow writers.
Zoé Mahfouz is a French, award-winning bilingual actress, screenwriter, and writer whose work spans fiction, nonfiction, and poetry. Her writing has appeared in more than 70 literary magazines and anthologies worldwide, including Cleaver Magazine, OPEN: Journal of Arts & Letters, Ginyu Magazine, and The Asahi Shimbun. Her fiction is often playful and tongue-in-cheek, while her poetry and prose range from myth-inflected and formally experimental to darker, introspective explorations of psychiatric care, neurodivergence, and fractured identity. Her previous book Borges Must Be Rolling in His Grave was published by Dancing Girl Press. Her new book, ADHD in D Minor, is forthcoming with North Meridian Press.